Forgiveness.
It is one of the hardest things humanly possible to do.
Letting go of the baggage of memories, of hurt created, and time wasted.
All of those moments youll never get back, stolen. Letting the hurt from that go.
Whether it is a person or a situation you can't forgive, it is hard.
Grudges take energy, a lot of it expended over time.
Forgiveness takes energy too. But usually the energy that forgiveness takes is a giant load all at once, and then it is done.
letting go means building up the courage, and facing fear.
As humans, we make plenty of mistakes, and forgiveness is thrown around a lot.
...but what do you do when something serious happens? Something life altering?
and what do you do when one of the people you looked up to more than anything is owed this forgiveness?
Growing up wasn't easy for me. But I did it fast.
My mom was a broken woman from a young age,
and when she was 22 she injured the discs in her back at work.
She never recovered.
The surgeries made it worse.
She slowly melted in to more pain than she could bear
and the doctors slowly started prescribing the medication.
Ask anyone who has done something for years...
old habits die hard, and sometimes they become addictions.
When I was 13, my mom went to a doctor while we lived in Michigan
who prescribed her xanax, morphine, the patch, vicodin, whatever he could think of...
my mom was a walking pill mess medical experiment.
She couldn't walk upright, fell asleep with my sister and I in the car and while vacuuming, and called us "beautiful lions"...
as funny as it sounds, being able to convince your mom to slow down by convincing her she will hurt invisible cigarettes at so called "cigarette crossing" Shouldnt be a form of entertainment that anyone should have to witness first hand.
I once convinced my mom that she peed on the floor because she fell asleep on the toilet for an hour, and didnt know where she was. It was a form of disappointing entertainment because I never really knew how I was morally supposed to cope with it.
These "episodes" went from happening 3-4 times a year to about once a month or every other month or so.
That was when it became less about coping through entertainment, and more about screaming. Convincing my mom not to drive, hiding car keys, and kicking down doors (literally, I have done this more than once). More about crying and kicking, her hitting and threatening to call the cops, her telling everyone near that she hates us, and us trying to talk sense into a drug induced alter ego.
My dad is a great man. Through all of this, he has stayed. Through every "I hate you" every "Ill call the cops" and every "Fuck you". and now through her trying to beat him, and throwing objects such as laptops at him... He stays there because he doesnt know what to do either, and because the only woman he has ever known was her, since they were 13 years old. He doesn't know what to do besides love her, and scream back, but not leave. She probably would have died ten times over by now if we werent around. That is the seriousness of the situation.
Doctor after doctor dropped her like a hot coal.
Until one day she gets dropped, and by this time is taking too much, and then has seizures.
200 mg of the Fentanyl Patch (80 times stronger than morphine) every 3 days.
She was going through withdrawal of this, and overdose of Oxycodone and ativan at the same time.
Her body couldn't handle it.
As scared as I was, when she told me the doctor dropped her, and that she wasn't going to be going to another for more meds, I forgave her for everything she has put me through since I was 13.
I let it go. Because I knew that if I didn't, and I lost my mother, I would regret hating her every day for the rest of my life thereafter.
She did some things no kid should have ever known about or seen, but when she wasn't doing those things she was a damn good mother.
She cooked and cleaned, and worked, and loved, and taught.
But I grew to resent her with a bad intensity.
It was a deep dislike and I can't even recall when it started to burn inside of me.
I used to love her so much before all of this.
She isn't a terrible person, she just has a terrible disease... and that is no excuse for anything.
She is the one that puts the medicine in her body, but her brain is telling her to keep doing it and she listens.
I hated that. I hated that I was the one screaming at my mom that she needed help, that I was the one begging her to stay with my dad, that I was the one kicking down her door to make sure she is ok, or not getting anything done in school because I can't get ahold of her and think she might have finally overdosed.
I hated that I cared so much and that it took so much out of me, and took so much of my childhood.
But I forgive her. Because I have to. Because I can't live hating her, but I can hate the disease. I can hate the pills. I can hate what she does.
But I love my mom.I live to see her smile, I love the moments when her eyes are clear and so is her speech and she knows what is going on around her. I love when she looks at me through her own eyes, and not through drugs. I can always tell the difference so easily.
But the past ten years have taught me patience, and love, and respect for my body, and what not to do, not to let pain get the best of you, not to trust someone because they are SUPPOSED to be the expert on your body, and most of all to never ever take pills.
I tried Oxycontin once. I liked it too much. Then I tried it three, four, nine, twelve times. And I liked it even more. Then I tried it again. Then I convinced the doctors to give it to me when I got my wisdom teeth out, and then I slept the whole time, and then I puked, and then my mom had seizures and my little sister and I promised eachother we will never take them again. We like them too much.
I promise you I won't either.
Forgiveness gives me the strength to love my mom again.
I was raped, when I was 19.
Forgiveness gave me the strength to not let him rape me every night for the rest of my life.
I could sit around and think about it every day.
and it would be the same as letting him do it every day.
Or, I could take an experience, turn it in to a lesson, and feel better about the positive of the whole situation.
I can't live with regrets. I never will. I am a being that lives today. I always ask myself if I could do or say anything in a situation, what would it be? And it is such a big personality, that some people just can't handle it.
For these reasons I say what I think, what I feel, how I see things all the time.
I will never not tell you what is on my mind.
I will always be an open book.
I don't believe my book should be a mystery.
Take me or leave me.
Love me or hate me.
At least you know what you are getting into.
<3 xoxo
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Right to work; Senator Mishler.
Re: Stop Pursuing Divisive Legislation
TO: 1 recipient
Show Details
Message body
Senator Ryan Mishler,
Taking away union dues, will result in the end of unions which will ultimately result in reduced wages, and job loss. This is not an opinion, this is a fact. These negative repercussions, and many others have been studied, lived, and thus proven. My dad, and many, many, many of Indiana's citizens job's will be at jeopardy. The economy will go back to a place that, being the state that houses a city with a previous record number of jobless people and families, Elkhart, cannot afford. Employers who were once union shops, will now be able to hire in people at minimum wage, and people like my dad, will be the people who train these people, and then ultimately are laid off, or not needed anymore as their wages would be higher than they would like. It does not help that his wages, which are just enough to support his family (which now consists of him and my mother in an apartment) are directly from being employed as a Union Stewart in a sign shop here in Northern Indiana. Right to work make it un-necessary to pay union dues, and then the person will still be covered by the union... that is until the union no longer has a leg to stand on and falls over. I feel strongly that this is either something not thought out well, not cared about, the idea, or a lack of understanding and sympathy. I feel it may relate to lack of understanding and sympathy, If people do not want to pay union dues, the answer is simple; do not work somewhere with an installed Union. If a person decides to apply, and work for a place with a Union that is entirely within their own hands at that point. Just as you are willing to put money into taxes, and campaigning for your job, people who work in unions are willing to pay into their job too. Teachers are no different either, often left with little to no funding for classroom supplies, many are bought out of pocket, and because of their passion for the job. Many jobs have an expense that comes out of their paycheck that is used for their jobs and union workers are NO different. However, that alone does not mean that my dad, the union stewart should be thrown in the ringer to even have to worry about whether or not he will have to lose everything he has spent twenty two years building up to. This is not about my dad only. He is just the closest representation to my heart. As a daughter of a sign worker, whose union (International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Local 153) I literally grew up in, I know all of the people who have worked with him for the past twenty two years. They are intelligent people. Don't you think that a decision like this should be something that is left up to the people who know and have lived their lives? We have traveled to Indianapolis, in mass groups to give you a visual of how strong we all feel about this, about how this will affect our lives. You don't have to live these peoples lives and see how this will affect them or feel the repercussion of it on a personal level. It will be something you read in the paper, or on the internet and don't understand. Right to work will be the ugly face of an already struggling economy, and passing this will only make things worse. So I ask you again to please reconsider your ideas, with an open mind.
Thank you,
Brandi L. Picton-Prater
From: Senate District9
To: BlackAngel4120@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, January 13, 2012 9:30 AM
Subject: RE: Stop Pursuing Divisive Legislation
Dear Brandi,
Thank you for your e-mail regarding the Right to Work legislation that is currently being considered by Indiana lawmakers. This is a strong and emotional subject so I do appreciate being advised of your position on this bill. I am open to listening to both sides of the issue, but I do not believe anyone should be required to join an organization, association or union as a requirement for employment.
Again, thank you for taking the time to contact me. I do appreciate your input.
Sincerely,
Senator Ryan Mishler
-----Original Message-----
From: Brandi Picton-Prater [mailto:BlackAngel4120@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, January 13, 2012 12:28 AM
To: S9@in.gov
Subject: Stop Pursuing Divisive Legislation
I’m writing to ask you to oppose efforts to reintroduce anti-worker Right-to-Work legislation, and instead to move on to tackling other important problems facing our state – like getting our economy back on track and working together to create jobs.
My dad is a Union Member, him and I have come down to Indianapolis several times with his Union to try and help promote stopping this bill from passing. I am heavily involved in Politics myself, and have also come down for womens' rights and reproductive rights. My dad (as a union Stewart) feels strongly, as a union member of 22 years, that right to work will drastically change his job, and ultimately result in the loss of it through lower wages offered to other people who would be hired in below him.
This divisive legislation will paralyze the legislature and prevent it from getting the people’s business done. Please put the public interest ahead of a partisan political agenda and oppose reintroducing Right-to-Work legislation.
Thank you.
Brandi Picton-Prater
Matthew Picton-Prater
Ty Picton
Jerriann Picton
Tyler Picton
South Bend, IN 46614
TO: 1 recipient
Show Details
Message body
Senator Ryan Mishler,
Taking away union dues, will result in the end of unions which will ultimately result in reduced wages, and job loss. This is not an opinion, this is a fact. These negative repercussions, and many others have been studied, lived, and thus proven. My dad, and many, many, many of Indiana's citizens job's will be at jeopardy. The economy will go back to a place that, being the state that houses a city with a previous record number of jobless people and families, Elkhart, cannot afford. Employers who were once union shops, will now be able to hire in people at minimum wage, and people like my dad, will be the people who train these people, and then ultimately are laid off, or not needed anymore as their wages would be higher than they would like. It does not help that his wages, which are just enough to support his family (which now consists of him and my mother in an apartment) are directly from being employed as a Union Stewart in a sign shop here in Northern Indiana. Right to work make it un-necessary to pay union dues, and then the person will still be covered by the union... that is until the union no longer has a leg to stand on and falls over. I feel strongly that this is either something not thought out well, not cared about, the idea, or a lack of understanding and sympathy. I feel it may relate to lack of understanding and sympathy, If people do not want to pay union dues, the answer is simple; do not work somewhere with an installed Union. If a person decides to apply, and work for a place with a Union that is entirely within their own hands at that point. Just as you are willing to put money into taxes, and campaigning for your job, people who work in unions are willing to pay into their job too. Teachers are no different either, often left with little to no funding for classroom supplies, many are bought out of pocket, and because of their passion for the job. Many jobs have an expense that comes out of their paycheck that is used for their jobs and union workers are NO different. However, that alone does not mean that my dad, the union stewart should be thrown in the ringer to even have to worry about whether or not he will have to lose everything he has spent twenty two years building up to. This is not about my dad only. He is just the closest representation to my heart. As a daughter of a sign worker, whose union (International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, Local 153) I literally grew up in, I know all of the people who have worked with him for the past twenty two years. They are intelligent people. Don't you think that a decision like this should be something that is left up to the people who know and have lived their lives? We have traveled to Indianapolis, in mass groups to give you a visual of how strong we all feel about this, about how this will affect our lives. You don't have to live these peoples lives and see how this will affect them or feel the repercussion of it on a personal level. It will be something you read in the paper, or on the internet and don't understand. Right to work will be the ugly face of an already struggling economy, and passing this will only make things worse. So I ask you again to please reconsider your ideas, with an open mind.
Thank you,
Brandi L. Picton-Prater
From: Senate District9
To: BlackAngel4120@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, January 13, 2012 9:30 AM
Subject: RE: Stop Pursuing Divisive Legislation
Dear Brandi,
Thank you for your e-mail regarding the Right to Work legislation that is currently being considered by Indiana lawmakers. This is a strong and emotional subject so I do appreciate being advised of your position on this bill. I am open to listening to both sides of the issue, but I do not believe anyone should be required to join an organization, association or union as a requirement for employment.
Again, thank you for taking the time to contact me. I do appreciate your input.
Sincerely,
Senator Ryan Mishler
-----Original Message-----
From: Brandi Picton-Prater [mailto:BlackAngel4120@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, January 13, 2012 12:28 AM
To: S9@in.gov
Subject: Stop Pursuing Divisive Legislation
I’m writing to ask you to oppose efforts to reintroduce anti-worker Right-to-Work legislation, and instead to move on to tackling other important problems facing our state – like getting our economy back on track and working together to create jobs.
My dad is a Union Member, him and I have come down to Indianapolis several times with his Union to try and help promote stopping this bill from passing. I am heavily involved in Politics myself, and have also come down for womens' rights and reproductive rights. My dad (as a union Stewart) feels strongly, as a union member of 22 years, that right to work will drastically change his job, and ultimately result in the loss of it through lower wages offered to other people who would be hired in below him.
This divisive legislation will paralyze the legislature and prevent it from getting the people’s business done. Please put the public interest ahead of a partisan political agenda and oppose reintroducing Right-to-Work legislation.
Thank you.
Brandi Picton-Prater
Matthew Picton-Prater
Ty Picton
Jerriann Picton
Tyler Picton
South Bend, IN 46614
Sunday, December 4, 2011
When life brings people in, someone usually falls out...
People come and go. I like the ones who come, and usually feel like the one who goes. Sometimes the people you meet you hold on to, like there will be no tomorrow, and some people you rush through the entire friendship in a few months and end it. Life is a roller coaster, and I live it to the fullest, with no regrets. I fall entirely too fast for people in general. And don't fall out fast enough for others. I am in love with the very idea of love, and continually fight for that feeling in many people I encounter. the chase is half of the fun but once its over, it is sometimes just over. But things progress at its own pace sometimes too. Friends, or more, I hope to be all that I can be but that's not always up to you. Sometimes it is up to them, or him.... or her. Thinking makes my hands shake, my brain race, my mouth form a smile. If I were hooked up to a heart monitor, the thought of these thoughts would clearly make my heart beat a million a minute. It causes me to lose my breath like I went down a big hill on a roller coaster, and I feel it in my stomach. I want you all over me, I want your hands in mine, against a wall, reservations off, and mouth to mouth. I want it all. and I want it with you, or you. or you. but what happens when thats all the same person. Oh, my thoughts are getting jumbled and I am full of liquid courage, so I am courageously going to stop writing for the moment.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Ladies and Gents...
Though the time has not arrived upon us yet, It is time to set up this new chapter. All things come to an end, and the dreaded time consumer of fb can no longer be my home. I cannot explain myself, because you will probably deem me crazy. Crazy I am not, so we must part ways on there. However, here I am. =D So lets get to know eachother all over again, and I will re-invent something radical to share with you.
xoxoBPP
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Sister, where art thou?
It was such a very short period ago, realistically- Once upon a time... An older sister had a swan-like wing span over her younger sister. She spent the first three years of her life wishing in a sandbox made out of a tractor tire, for her... so when she got her, she loved her. Her best friend, her worst enemy. Her very own little sister...and no one elses. What more could someone ask for? ...
That little sister back.
I remember bringing her home from the hospital. and being upset that her name was Tyler, and NOT Cody. I remember that she was wrinkly and pink, and I helped my mom take care of her- EVERY opportunity I could. And I remember that when we grew up, she grew a little bit more than me and quickly out grew my hand-me-downs. My sister started having issues dealing with her weight- and with the people around her. She became bitter- and had this attitude. I don't remember exactly when that started though. Boy could she publicly humiliate a person! But if anyone talked smack about my sister, I was right there to cuss them out or beat them down. Nights after school spent holding my crying sister... Threatening to beat another ass.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
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